The Schpat Dope

Just like The Striaght Dope only not as well researched or funny

Friday, August 05, 2005

The Sounds of Sex

Zenstar asks:

what noise does the average teenager make during sex?

Schpat answers:

Thanks to you Zenstar I had go deep undercover into the seedy world of teen sex, man the things I have to do for this column! In order to successfully infiltrate their world I chose an alter-ego: "Mitsy", a sixteen year old Catholic School girl from Southern California. I figured this would good cover. Having joined many online forums on teen sex, ignoring the gross NAMBLA type sites, I settled in to observe these teens in their natural habitat.

I'm pleased to report that teenagers are no less confused about sex than previous generations were. They still want to know things like whether or not having sex in a pool is an effective contraceptive. Another interesting question demonstrating the average teen's understanding with regards to issues of a sexual nature was:

"what exactly is a pussy whip, and how do I use it? My boyfriend tried a riding crop but it really hurt!"

About five or six posts valiantly attempted to answer this question but failed in varying degrees. Eventually an obviously more worldly poster was able to give a pretty concise definition including the fact that the term was in fact "pussy-whipped", to which the response from the original poster was: "but I still don't understand". Someone then suggested that it was a bondage item made of "extremely soft leather" and should be used with caution. A flame-war ensued. Eventually the last three pages of the topic were devoted to William Shatner and Star Trek. You gotta love that teenage attention span!

I found out many other interesting things like for instance there is a clear bias in tits vs arse preference among teenage boys. 55% of teen boys preferred boobs vs. 45% preferring arse, this makes total sense because they have their own arses! There is a much clearer bias when it comes to teen girls preferences on penis shaving. Of those polled 40% prefer shaved, 20% prefer unshaved, and 40% are undecided; although why teenage boys would need to shave thier penises I don't know!

The internet may just be the enabler in the next phase of the sexual revolution: "the Sexual Revolt". The anonymity of the internet has allowed teens to be completely open about their sexuality, I mean would you have told your school friends how many times a week you masturbated? This openness is leading to teens becoming more accustomed to sex than they have ever been before, many of them now see sex as just an everyday entertainment to pass the time. In fairness I'm sure it's not just the internet at fault, video games with hidden sexual content must surely also be to blame! ;)

Anyhoo, in an effort to answer your question our intrepid "Mitsy" posed the question about noises heard during sex and received the following responses:

"Make me a sandwich, bitch"
"It's Table Time Bitch!" *slam*
"She made goat noises so I could get turned on."
"umm my hand doesnt have a mouth:("
"I hear horseys."
"none, im a virgin! "
"Not there"
"No that hurts"
"You suck"
"I'm getting a real man"
"Get off me"
"Your penis is too big, I'm scared"
"I like sex"
"Those are boobs not stress balls"
"Just pretend it's a sandwich"
"It's razor burn, I swear"
"I'm calling the police!"
"i need a hug ;_;"
"mine says "oink" "

And Mitsy's personal favourite:

"I hear that weird rubbing noise you get when you sit on a leather couch. It might just be im not using enough lube with my inflate a date."

Thanks Mitsy!

My foray into the world of teen sex has shown me that kids no longer have to get misinformation about sex fed to them on in small snippets on the playground, they can now have misinformation fed to them in large volumes via the internet. The only difference is that along with bad advice about sex now they also learn poor spelling and grammar!

Leave your own SchpatDope Questions in the comments and I'll get to them as soon as I can. Also please support our sponsors, internet alter-egos aren’t free you know!


Blogger kleinbaas said...

Hey schpat!
Have you got an RSS or Atom syndication feed for your blog?

- Mark

1:12 PM  
Blogger kleinbaas said...

Ah, nm, found it.


1:42 PM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are an effing genius.

3:30 AM  

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