The Schpat Dope

Just like The Striaght Dope only not as well researched or funny

Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Schpat Dope

dystopia said...

Actually, there have been more than two captains of the starship enterprise. So, perhaps you are related to one of the others, which has led to the cnfusion. Perhaps you could enlighted us?


An interesting notion. I hadn't even thought of this, but it would account for confusion. Let's start at the beginning, Christopher Pike. This guy thought he was Jesus for a bit and almost ended up caught in some kind of cage. Obviously he doesn't sound like the kinda guy who's genes contributed to me.

Spock. Although he was half human he is also half vulcan and simply exudes pure logic. Now because I am also quite logical, amongst other things I exude, I thought he was a likely candidate as an ancestor. But alas he only fathered one son, Zar, who ended up sterile. He did end up banging kirsty alley after that, but if I were related to her I'm sure I'd know it. So my logic can't be attributed to vulcan genes, another mystery unsolved.

Willard Decker. Decker ran the show aboard the enterprise for a while before apparently achieving a higher plane of existence in the V'ger incident. However my research has lead me to believe that he concocted this story in order to escape punishment for being a totally inadequate captain. Evidence shows that he in fact went through a time portal involving some kind of transporter malfunction and ended up somewhere in the 1930s flying a Grumman Goose under the name Jake Cutter. Apparently he ran afoul of the law and now lives under an assumed name in Glenoak California where he is a practicing minister. He has about five kids of his own, I don't think he needs me claiming to be his offspring too.

Next is John Harriman: Starfleet records have Harrmian listed as a native of Chicago, Illinois with a wife named Sophie and a son named Ferris. His hobbies include an interest in and 20th Century sports cars. Due to the lameness, probably not him.

Jonathan Archer. We have recently discovered that ol' J Archer was in fact the first captain of the Enterprise and not Chris Pike as we previously thought. Jon seems to have been an able captain but due to _another_ unfortunate transporter accident seems to be bouncing around the 20th century assuming peoples identities and generally doing good. He was last spotted as Jim Olmeyer, a homosexual living somewhere in suburbia. I don't have anything against homosexuals, I only mention it because Ziggy says that there is only a 0.02% chance that he is my father.

Having already discounted James T Kirk and Jean Luc Picard that leaves only one captain of the enterprise on who I can find nothing to canonically disprove a relationship to me, Captain Robert April, but that's a whole different story.